I started blogging a few days ago, maybe a week at the most. And my purpose was to find myself through something that I really enjoy. In addition I took a few days off work to completely immerse myself into my craft and clear my head. Only thing is I’m more lost than when I started. I am almost exactly at point A. I have been doing my usual which consists of prayer, meditation and blogging when I don’t have writers block.
Im actually disappointed in myself because I set goals to achieve and the bed was so inviting that I only accomplished a handful of them. But what I am most ashamed of is the fact that I can not shake my ex. I have accepted the end mentally, but my heart is still fully invested. This troubles me more than anything. I wander why am I still in love with someone who walked away from me. Why am I pining for someone who wants nothing to do with me? Sometimes, only sometimes though, I wish that the heart could be logical. Just a piece of me that encourages smart decisions not emotional ones.
And why does love have to be so strong? Why does love have to be so scary? Why does love have to be so engulfing? I usually break up, time passes. I become bitter and then enter a new relationship. But not this time. This time we broke up and there was only love. That’s all that I felt for this man. That is all I still feel. And I wish I could tear out my heart and move on with my life, but my feelings consume me. I mean, I don’t think about him every hour of every day, or call his phone and hang up or stalk the man. I just love him from afar. Some days go by and I barely think about him. I am most proud of myself at those moments.
I’m just ready for this to be over, honestly. I have talked and written myself blue in the face. I’m tired of hearing the story and it seems that as soon as I close the book my heart adds another chapter to the tale of love lost. I am tormented in love. (Its not really that bad “torment” just gives an added effect.) I just wanna go about my life without being reminded of him. Without remembering our love, but I guess if life and love were easy they wouldn’t be worth enduring.